Dark Shadows Review

*Poster for the motion picture "Dark Shadows"*

Dark Shadows is a great example of what not to do in just about every way conceivable for a film, including my approach to watching it. First off, it is probably worth noting that this film stemmed more from Johnny Depp's desire to put a contemporary spin on Dark Shadows more so than it was Tim Burton's desire to work on it; also, the film saw multiple writers before being finished, therefore adding to it's unfortunately haphazard nature. But before I go any further, I just want to note quick that I have decided to write my reviews from my perspective now rather than a neutral, more traditional journalism style perspective; this is after all a blog, and it has only just recently made more sense to me that I in fact 'blog' my point of view rather than write as if I have been doing this for years already, or have any formal education in film (some Art History classes yes, but hardly a qualification for film criticism I'm sure).

*WARNING: This review may contain spoilers*

So I approached this movie as a last resort on a Saturday evening indoors, with the night coming to a close; neither me nor my girlfriend decided we wanted to go to bed yet, and just about nothing else available to watch for free on one of our many movie outlets was of any interest to us that we hadn't already seen. I knew someday I would get around to watching this movie, but had been putting it off for as long as possible given how few good things I had heard about it, and to be fair the film does have it's share of humorous moments. However things take an irreversible turn for the worst about a third of the way through the movie, when it quickly becomes realized that it isn't going to A.) make as much sense as one would hope, and B.) be enjoyable beyond a few brief chuckles. It was hard not to laugh at the movie as it went from an interesting tale of a recently unearthed vampire reconnecting with his kin, to a twisted lifetime style movie about a woman who couldn't get the man she wanted. It is riddled with the most over-abused cliches one could imagine a film of it's ilk be riddled with. It doesn't help that given the creature frenzy going on right now in cinema: i.e. The Twilight Saga, Beautiful Creatures, & every Zombie movie of this millennium so far, that Dark Shadow's has zero originality beyond that of what Tim Burton brings to the table through his directing, and even that originality is compromised through the undying ugliness of the 70's culture fused with blues and purples. Yes, I did say ugliness of the 70's. I'm an 80's person when it comes to retro, and not that I dislike the 70's (I actually credit that decade with birthing some of the greatest music ever written), but the fashion hasn't made a strong and lasting comeback for a reason...it's just doesn't mesh well with anything outside it's own decade.

Where the film's most promising lays deep in just what hurt the rest of the movie too much to bare...the beginning, where we are given a path that clearly hints at a love interest in Bella Heathcote's character Victoria, one of the best cast examples of Burton's signature style with her skeletal figure and dark features like that of a Gothic porcelain doll. She enters into the life of the Collins family as a governess, which after finding out how Depp's character Barnabas Collins has been imprisoned in a casket for 200 years, gives you some fantasy love story to bite on, but as most good vampires will see to it, you won't see this fantasy love story down a good road, as the film sucks all the interest of this love affair out of it's run time in favor of putting Depp front and center and casting aside just about every other actor in favor of the bigger names. Michelle Pfiffer is given way more of a role than necessary, and Grace-Moretz, who can be considered an up and coming star for future Hollywood, has screen time which seems to exist merely for that fact alone. Her character not only feels like a jumbled mutation of young angst and the wasted 70s culture, but also a bad example of both, with *spoilers* a slice of werewolf thrown in. I mean literally sliced in, like, the last fifteen minutes of the film this plot twist is thrown in, assuredly to wake up whoever almost fell asleep in the audience. Forget anyone who already has, they had the right idea when it started. *end spoilers*

Perhaps it wouldn't be so easy to pick on parts of this film if it wasn't for it's level of disappointment. The sophistication and even the humor which it put forth at times was burned even worse by the lack of understanding that occurred somewhere during it's development. Someone clearly had the idea that the film itself didn't need to pay homage to the TV show, but rather fit in with the rest of the gang. Like The Lone Ranger, most younger people these days I'm sure have never heard of Dark Shadows before this movie's release, and just like the Lone Ranger I'm sure this film has much more in common with it's contemporaries rather than the source material it was inspired by. That's an easy and depressing way to get some serious heat from critics as well as spread the word fast that your film may not be worth the price of admission; simply for the fact that it has been a time tested mistake since the blockbuster boom of the 80's. Radical remakes only work when everything experiences a great level of TLC, and the film's vision is shared on a whole by all involved. But then again who am I? I'm no critic, just a big movie fan. I've never seen an episode of Dark Shadows and I've never published anything in an official magazine, book, or publication of any sort. Yet, it doesn't take any of those things to figure out that continuity and logic will please any movie goer despite their taste in film merely for making the experience easier to ingest on a whole. Dark Shadows, does not do this, and on top of a rather confusing script, the cherry on top is the pacing, which is all over the place (so it's really more like a cherry on the side, or maybe even just shy of the glass). Sometimes when you feel that the movie should take a little more time to let a moment settle in, it decides to say "Nope, you've seen this cliche before...so let's just rush this one, done! Onto the next scene!", Then other segments in which it just makes sense to switch gears in order to allow for some time to pass more realistically, are completely overlooked (like an angry mob being instigated by the film's antagonist, and then quickly jumping to them arriving at the Collin's mansion only a minute later in the film instead of taking an extra two or three minutes to work on some character development before the mob arrives).

Perhaps the films strongest weakness though, was in it's choice of villains. Angelique the witch, played by Eva Green couldn't be a sadder -and harder to sympathize with- villain. Perhaps this wouldn't have been a problem had their been so many times in the film were it's alluded to that their romance just might work out...which was nonsensical given earlier plot points. Barnabas could have killed her character many times, instead opting every time to carry on the film much longer than the plot merited. The film tries to make it seem like their is a constant attraction existing between the two, as Angelique is supposedly eternally in love with Barnabas  and Barnabas in return loathes her; yet they make love in perhaps one of the worst and corniest love scenes a movie like this could offer up, after all Angelique put Depp's character through: being buried for over 200 years because he didn't want to be with her. This alone should be reason enough to say no to any intimate encounter. Why would his character have to wrestle so much with such a simple decision? Also, given he was cursed by her into becoming a vampire... oh yeah, and watching his loved one plummet off a cliff under her command; one would see this as a hugely stacked deck against Angelique in the revenge department. It is highly illogical that one would ever, and I mean ever, consider this woman a love interest even after death, even for purely animalistic reasons. Instead the movie makes a chauvinist out of Depp rather than a cat and mouse game of the film between the two. Starting from scratch instead of reworking a script like this one would've clearly been the better route to take at the end of the day, as everything suffers in some way instead, including the audience. 

Lastly, the husband, or whatever he is, of Michelle Pfiffer's character, and Dr. Julia Hoffman, played by Bonam-Carter, really do not need to be in this movie. Burton's wife has an instance in which her character seems necessary to further the plot, but this is quickly undone by taking the burden off her character's murder when Angelique tries to slam the Collins family for every other murder in the movie. Bonam-Carter seems more cast out of favor than necessity in this movie than just about ever other one Burton has placed her in; and the twist at the end with her character after her murder was so strongly hinted at earlier in the film that it's only by pure luck that I almost forgotten about it... actually it was probably due more to bad placement of the twist than for any actual good reason, such as being well written, maybe it was also it's extreme irrelevance that caused me to forget... I don't know. The husband person though, so useless in the film I forget his name, or maybe I never even knew it, was written off from the moment he was placed on screen. He wasn't clued in to Barnabas being a vampire; he cheated on his wife; and lastly when offered an opportunity to either be a good father to his son David, (who character also isn't worth mentioning much in this film), or taking as much money from the family fortune as he wants before leaving forever, he... of course, because this is a bad movie, chooses to leave with little in the way of emotion or care directed at his family, or even at us as the audience.

Basically this movie sucked. Like stated earlier, it's made just about every mistake possible a film could make. It just wasn't a good idea in the first place. A long time ago I used to think that judging a movie based on the poster could tell me whether or not I should see it, fact is, these days that's not a good way to judge. However, I knew from the moment I saw the poster for this movie, given the actors, director, and what I was looking at, the poster said everything I needed to know: mismatched on all levels. Also, Alice Cooper in a Tim Burton film about the Gothic 70's? It feels more like trying to mix Heavy Metal, Austin Powers, and The Nightmare Before Christmas into a musical number with little in the way of consistent direction. Pass on this one if you get the chance, or if you enjoy a bad movie... no, still pass on this one, watch Bogey Creek, or Manos, The Hands of Fate... heck even watch House of Wax if you can, just not this movie.

Check out the Trailer for Dark Shadows Below!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpWvkFlyl4M

Review Score Card:
Storyline:            Understandable, but headache inducing, very cliche, and immature.
Characters:         Dense, selfish, and tormented; but not in an easy to sympathize way.
Pacing:               Horrible, a constant struggle for the film more so than the plot.
Interest Level:    If you're looking for something to hate on, it will definitely keep your attention.

Overall:               3.5 out of 10 - I've seen worse, but not by much, Dark Shadows
                           sets the bar very low, and is a prime example of a good film gone
                           wrong. For anyone looking to understand the difference between
                           a good film and a bad one in today's contemporary fantasy scene,
                           this is a good... well, subjectively good place to start.